Babies

I look down and hold my belly in a perfect heart shape and smile. Although no baby is inside, my tummy has taken the freshman 15 a little hard. Okay, about 25 lbs too hard. This new shape reminds me constantly how badly I want to be pregnant. I want to know my little life is growing inside of me. I want a rocking chair that I rock my unborn child to sleep in, even though he doesn't yet live. Ill wear long dresses and rub my belly all day long letting him know Im still here. On the day he is born I will welcome him so happily into this terrible world for my own selfish reasons, but Ill grieve a little at the loss of that big round ball under my shirt. I will take him in my arms and listen to him cry, wanting to turn up the volume that is proof that he lives. My life will have ended after a 9 month prognosis and I will give every last minute of my time to him. I will spank him when he misbehaves. I will kiss and coo at him and hold him to my side for the rest of his life. I will pack his lunch, drive him to school, and fight for him like no woman has ever faught for a son. I will teach him to love and respect women, that knowledge is power, and to go with his instinct on every decision. I will push my way into every relationship he ever has and remind every woman he thinks he loves that I am his mama.

It is an interesting feeling to be in love with a person you havent met yet. I think his name will be Timothy, John, Noah, something strong. Her name might be Rayna Alison or Amelie Fields, something that makes her unique. Ya gotta be unique when you're a woman, you have to stand out on your own.

Some thoughts to conclude the day.

I told Tim I had a new blog.
"Is it readable? Do you say what you mean this time? Or is it more of that emotional stuff that I have to decode to understand what you mean?"
Well, I guess it is in need of decoding..if you are a shallow man.
"Who reads it? Have you had any comments?"
Well, not a one..and no one reads it I dont think.
"So why are you doing it?"
Well, maybe the man has a point. Or maybe a man having a point is a complete oxymoron.

Above all things a woman is to a man, I think the most important is loyal. Correct him when he is wrong but stand by his side no matter how little he gets right. It is so easy to watch a man make a mistake and leave him for his stupidity; one day he will thank you for being so patient & when he doesn't..well stand by him anyway. (This is Southern culture at its best).

One

Last night, listening to my lit professor in a dim, overcrowded, stifling hot room..i started to feel it. It started in my core; the feeling of Tim leaving leaked into the rest of my body like a terrible, incurable disease. I whiped the streams from my cheeks & avoided any eye contact. I dont know what caused the tears; the thought of Tim hundreds of miles from me or the realization that I hadn't felt that beaten in 4 years.

It's the feeling of being single. I am a girlfriend two hours away, but I feel like just a girl when you multiply the space times 6. I don't fear being single..I just don't want to be.

I learned something when Tim's father died. The look he left on his ghost of a wife who wanders her home in search of things to busy her mind, reading romantic novels that have become meaningless. That look is of a woman who knows she is now alone. Sometimes in this life there is only one person destined to be with you to fill the void like a magical puzzle piece. Sometimes there is only one.

Keep your ring; just stay with me.

New York

Upon finding out that Tim would leave for NY March 27, I immediately found myself searching for a calandar. Counting down the days I had until he would be gone for what seems an infinite amount of time. About 4 weeks to give him a reason to unpack his bags. I have begun a playlist of songs Ill put on a cd for him to listen to & probably ignore on his journey north. We don't necessarily agree on music. But though Im a pretty raw person, I say what I mean even when I don't mean to, I find these few songs able to do it in a way that I won't be able to come March 27th.

At the mention of this strange place, I am vulnerable in a way I have never been before. I can't control this move. I can't help him the way I want to; I cant pick up after him, give him advice, listen to his venting, talk about movies and books Ive read lately. How will I know him when he returns? Will he have taken on that God awful attitude characteristic to northerners? I pray that that attitude is what separates him from the women there. Their high pitched, fast talking, terrible voice is sure to be a repellent for Tim, it will sound so opposite of mine.

I chose Tim for a hundred dozen reasons. One, very high on the list, was that I knew he would never leave my side, he was so eat up with me. I was wrong..

A New Start

Ive had a blog since as far back as age 13. I used to fill it daily with the common goings on of high school and current love affairs with boys and girlfriends that i created in my mind. (These people existed, but I have found that at that age we see them as we choose..we create them). Then I was bombarded with part time jobs, planning for college, etc. and though I love to go back and read them, I see that they are entirely meaningless. I fretted over the smallest things.

However, here I am again, starting anew with much the same purpose..to say whatever I choose. The things I post are entirely unfiltered, not appropriate for making available to the web, and bold as a future educator who will soon walk on eggshells and learn to fear parents. Having said this, remember whos name is in the url; negative comments are unwelcome & will be entirely ignored. If you are bored or offended, find a new blog to follow.

C. Howie